Last Wednesday, I sort of had…a moment, perhaps a spark. An epiphany, to be even more dramatic.
Let me start by mentioning the fact that I have not been “exercising” regularly for the past…I don’t know 6 months or so? Maybe even more.
There have been days when I was less lazy, and disciplined enough to get my ass away from the laptop to go for a short jog/walk to the beach, trot on the treadmill for a mere 20 minutes, work on some very light weights in the living room, start a You Tube workout video (though I don’t think I’ve actually completed one), or have the shortest possible podcast yoga session.
My run was definitely not pretty or as light as this photo.
Yes, that’s how “disciplined” I had been all this time. And I didn’t get up to do any of those activities listed above because I was all “full of energy” and “felt great about myself”, but only because I thought I was getting chunkier or had overeaten in the preceding days and knew I had to burn off those extra calories.
Maybe once or twice, I felt an endorphine rush afterward, but most of the time I just ended up feeling too unfit to complete the workout, too flabby to do it right, or just did not have enough motivation to push myself all the way through. I could not keep my focus. I could not even care about myself to last the exercise.
Inhale, exhale. Letting go. Who knew it could be so hard to “just be”.
But something else happened that Wednesday.
Ever since I started working two jobs, I had been feeling so lethargic and sleepy all the time. I was falling asleep in the backseat of the car whenever I had the chance to (oh I remember those high school days when I used to do the same, only I was running between school and tutoring classes).
That day though, I had a bit of time between my job at the school and the publisher’s, so I finally broke in and decided to take a nap….
It wasn’t a very deep one, but when I woke up an hour later, my legs felt as heavy as lead, as though I’d been asleep for days and I’d forgotten how to walk with them.
I can bet you that I never feel this way, but that day, I literally felt like something sort of an energy was coming up from the inside of me, almost like my body was having an urge to move.
Probably couldn’t do that even if I’d tried…but maybe one day….
The thought of practising yoga occured to me then. I did not feel like the thought was weighing me down, like it was such a mission to be tackled, which would have been how I’d have felt any other day. But at that moment, I did not feel the need to procrastinate anymore.
This is not yoga, but I just like this photo, okay?
It wasn’t my head telling me that I needed the exercise, it was my body wanting movement. And trust me, I am usually not the quintessential peaceful yogini kind of girl who has these kinds of moments, let alone believe in “having moments” at all, even though I do love yoga (or used to, before this slump happened). I am an innate skeptic…who believes in yoga but remains ignorant about such moments. Note, “ignorant” being the operative word, as it is not that I do not believe in their existence, it’s just that I have yet to experience one in which I truly feel a Greater Presence.
What I needed that day. Zen.
So I laid on my mat before the spark could leave me, before I could change my mind. I only ended up practising for 20 minutes, but it was the most focused and mindful flow of child pose, sun salutations and savasana I had experienced in quite a long time.
I felt renewed as I left the mat that day. I’m really not saying this just because that’s what most fitness bloggers say about yoga (with absolutely no offence to them, I do enjoy reading their posts!!), or because that’s what I am “supposed” to feel. Honestly, I’m just relieved when it’s finally over after a yoga practice on most days. So it really is saying something when I say that it was a good practice. And a good day it was.
I am not always conscious of the connection between mind and body, but incidents like these remind me that no matter how much we try to control our bodies with our minds, our bodies will always want what it wants in the end, and we need to honour that and give them what they deserve.
A message. However you may want to perceive it, I hope it reminds you that whatever your belief may be about your weight, you still value yourself for who you are.
I am not a religious person, but I am a spiritual one, and I choose to believe that whatever happened that day was some sort of a message. Who knows, maybe it’s all in my head. But who cares if it is all in my head, as long as it made me happy.
Now, I’m not going to say that this experience has changed me forever, or that I have been converted into a believer of an entirely different world, but it was a reminder of how easily a small change that I make could turn my day around 180 degrees.
It’s the little things that make our day after all. Things like the caring comments I get from you all the time. Every connection I have with my dear readers/bloggers. I cannot thank you enough for being there, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that every one of your posts really lift up my day. So here is the biggest love I can your way. Thank you so so much, and I really hope you will have a great day