New Beginning

Hello Ah yes I’m finally back to my parent’s from India, after more than 6 weeks!! I am sorry I could not update this blog for such a long time, but where I was staying, there was rarely any opportunity to access the internet. Not that I would have had the energy to anyway, considering the busy routine we had to follow everyday. It was pretty much the adrenaline rush that kept me going through most days. And definitely the very strong tea they brew in India. That stuff is pure caffeine, I kid you not.

To be honest, I don’t really know how to explain my stay in India in one post…so what I will be doing now is sort of elaborate on different aspects of my experience there in several posts over the next week or so.

But I just want to also say here, that no words could ever, ever, equal what I have been able to go through in this trip, the things I’ve learnt, the parts within myself I’ve begun to discover, and little peeks of what true Bliss may be. I am so grateful that I was blessed with this opportunity to begin my journey to enquiring what the Truth is, what happiness really means. Now, I truly believe that the struggles I’d been facing earlier were kind of like a part of my destiny, to make myself go on this trip and learn what I have learnt, and continue to learn. I was exactly where I needed to be in my life, and I am where I am supposed to be now. I wouldn’t say I am a completely different person now, but I have discovered so many things about myself and life in general, I just really want to keep learning more – it’s a new beginning for me. A beginning of a journey to always be happy. I used to think it was impossible for me to change my behaviours, my thoughts, my life…but now, I believe there is so much more I could have, I just need to reach out for it. And now I am learning how to do that.

Anyway, I’ll keep this post short and sweet, and I will try upload a few photos from my trip next time

 

x

Asuma

 

Trip to India: Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Dhanwantari Ashram

 

Hey there. I actually have a huge news to share with you today!!!! Drum roll please……………..okay, here goes.

I will be staying at a yoga ashram in Kerala, India for a month, starting next week!!!!!!!!!

The place I will be staying at is called Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Dhanwantari Ashram, and I’m registered for the Teacher’s Training Course, in which I’m basically going to learn how to become a yoga teacher.

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Here is a little description of their course according to their website:

“This one-month course is a profound experience that helps to establish a firm foundation of inner discipline. The course is based on the traditional gurukula system (‘guru’s house’) in which students live and study with the teacher. The Teachers Training Course (TTC) is an intensive and transformative experience taught by disciples of Swami Vishnudevananda. The curriculum includes instruction in asana (yoga postures), pranayama (breathing exercises), meditation, chanting, mantras, yoga philosophy, diet, kriyas (cleansing exercises to purify the body) and study of the Bhagavad Gita.”

“Students will develop the skills to teach yoga asana as well as improve their own personal practice.”

“An internationally recognized certificate from the International Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Centre (ISYVC) organization is awarded on successful completion of the course. The diploma is entitled ‘Yoga Siromani’.”

“The course is officially recognized by the Yoga Alliance in the USA and Canada for the 200 hours Registered Yoga School Standards.”

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Living in a yoga ashram and training to get a yoga instructor’s license have always been on my Bucket List, and I just could not think of a better time to realise them than now, when I have an entire year off from uni and my family is still staying in Bangladesh.

Despite the obvious and prime conditions to enroll in the course, I was scared as sh*t to actually go ahead with it.

“What if I am not good enough to even dream about an intense course like this? What if I am not fit enough?……..What if I can’t deal with the emotional aspects right now?And worst of all, what if it reflects negatively on my recovery?” A million doubts ran across my ever-restless mind.

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But then somewhere in my head, I knew I just had to do it. All I had to do was jump in, because I knew that there would always be reasons why I shouldn’t commit myself to it and I’d always be afraid of things going wrong. If I had learnt anything during the past several months, it was the fact that there will always be hesitations, but unless I gave something a shot, I would never know what I could have achieved. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be that way though, to be cautious. That makes me careful. Serious about important decisions that could affect me in any way. And moreover, it means that I care about myself, physically and mentally. It makes me human. It’s okay to play with water and test it before diving in. But I will never know unless I tried. I gave myself a go sign this time, because this one year was the time I gave myself to heal and recover, and try new things. Even if I fail, so what. I can manage to fall down right now, because I know I can get up again.

Anyway, so here I am, holding my air tickets (literally, I am holding it right now, just got it from the travel agency today), ready to try myself. Okay, so maybe not completely ready. But I’m ready not to be ready all the time…I hope that even makes any sense. Well, it does to me.

I don’t know how this trip will affect me. I do hope that it will be an enriching and healing experience for me though. But even if it doesn’t turn out to be as I’d wanted it to, I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I guess I had to put that down in words to reassure myself that it is okay, that I just need to do the best that I can.

This post is becoming rather lengthy now, so I’m going to leave further details about the trip for another post.

What’s on your Bucket List? Do you have any exciting plans you have for yourself that you’d like to share? Because I want to know, it inspires me to know other people’s aspirations

x

 

Yoga Experience of a Lazy Skeptic

Last Wednesday, I sort of had…a moment, perhaps a spark. An epiphany, to be even more dramatic.

Let me start by mentioning the fact that I have not been “exercising” regularly for the past…I don’t know 6 months or so? Maybe even more.

There have been days when I was less lazy, and disciplined enough to get my ass away from the laptop to go for a short jog/walk to the beach, trot on the treadmill for a mere 20 minutes, work on some very light weights in the living room, start a You Tube workout video (though I don’t think I’ve actually completed one), or have the shortest possible podcast yoga session.

My run was definitely not pretty or as light as this photo.

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Yes, that’s how “disciplined” I had been all this time. And I didn’t get up to do any of those activities listed above because I was all “full of energy” and “felt great about myself”, but only because I thought I was getting chunkier or had overeaten in the preceding days and knew I had to burn off those extra calories.

Maybe once or twice, I felt an endorphine rush afterward, but most of the time I just ended up feeling too unfit to complete the workout, too flabby to do it right, or just did not have enough motivation to push myself all the way through. I could not keep my focus. I could not even care about myself to last the exercise.

Inhale, exhale. Letting go. Who knew it could be so hard to “just be”.

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But something else happened that Wednesday.

Ever since I started working two jobs, I had been feeling so lethargic and sleepy all the time. I was falling asleep in the backseat of the car whenever I had the chance to (oh I remember those high school days when I used to do the same, only I was running between school and tutoring classes).

That day though, I had a bit of time between my job at the school and the publisher’s, so I finally broke in and decided to take a nap….

It wasn’t a very deep one, but when I woke up an hour later, my legs felt as heavy as lead, as though I’d been asleep for days and I’d forgotten how to walk with them.

I can bet you that I never feel this way, but that day, I literally felt like something sort of an energy was coming up from the inside of me, almost like my body was having an urge to move.

Probably couldn’t do that even if I’d tried…but maybe one day….

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The thought of practising yoga occured to me then. I did not feel like the thought was weighing me down, like it was such a mission to be tackled, which would have been how I’d have felt any other day. But at that moment, I did not feel the need to procrastinate anymore.

This is not yoga, but I just like this photo, okay?

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It wasn’t my head telling me that I needed the exercise, it was my body wanting movement. And trust me, I am usually not the quintessential peaceful yogini kind of girl who has these kinds of moments, let alone believe in “having moments” at all, even though I do love yoga (or used to, before this slump happened). I am an innate skeptic…who believes in yoga but remains ignorant about such moments. Note, “ignorant” being the operative word, as it is not that I do not believe in their existence, it’s just that I have yet to experience one in which I truly feel a Greater Presence.

What I needed that day. Zen.

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So I laid on my mat before the spark could leave me, before I could change my mind. I only ended up practising for 20 minutes, but it was the most focused and mindful flow of child pose, sun salutations and savasana I had experienced in quite a long time.

I felt renewed as I left the mat that day. I’m really not saying this just because that’s what most fitness bloggers say about yoga (with absolutely no offence to them, I do enjoy reading their posts!!), or because that’s what I am “supposed” to feel. Honestly, I’m just relieved when it’s finally over after a yoga practice on most days. So it really is saying something when I say that it was a good practice. And a good day it was.

I am not always conscious of the connection between mind and body, but incidents like these remind me that no matter how much we try to control our bodies with our minds, our bodies will always want what it wants in the end, and we need to honour that and give them what they deserve.

A message. However you may want to perceive it, I hope it reminds you that whatever your belief may be about your weight, you still value yourself for who you are.

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I am not a religious person, but I am a spiritual one, and I choose to believe that whatever happened that day was some sort of a message. Who knows, maybe it’s all in my head. But who cares if it is all in my head, as long as it made me happy.

Now, I’m not going to say that this experience has changed me forever, or that I have been converted into a believer of an entirely different world, but it was a reminder of how easily a small change that I make could turn my day around 180 degrees.

It’s the little things that make our day after all. Things like the caring comments I get from you all the time. Every connection I have with my dear readers/bloggers. I cannot thank you enough for being there, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that every one of your posts really lift up my day. So here is the biggest love I can your way. Thank you so so much, and I really hope you will have a great day

x

News: Internship and Yoga Course

 

 

I’m tired and want to go to sleep now, but thought I’ll make a quick update post.

 

• I got the internship at a newspaper publisher, which I applied for earlier this month. For now, it’s just going to be orientations and classes, and basically practising writing/reporting skills, but I guess they’re going to start increasing the work load in small increments. I thought I’d be more excited about it, but I’m kind of more just okay…well, I know it’s going to be good experience for me nonetheless so I am happy.

 

• The other good news is that the internship is flexible with its work time, so I’m going to be able to keep my current part-time job as a teacher. Hooray for extra earnings! No honestly, I really do like the job at the school, I would have even considered dropping the internship if I had to quit it, but I’m glad it did not have to come to that.

 

• I applied for the Teacher’s Training Course in Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Dhanwantari Ashram, located in Neyyar Dam in Kerala. I’m not going to go through much details about it right now, but I am just unbelievably excited about it!!!! Cannot wait to share more about it with you all in a later post.

 

Anyhow, going to go hit the hay now…or watch The Modern Family. I don’t know…but I think I have an issue now.

 

 

Hey girl, can we go to yoga together?

This needs to happen more often.

Madre’s In The House!

Hello people!

Hope everyone had a great weekend Because mine was pretty awesome…yes, as the title of this post suggests, my mum’s here in Sydney!!!!!

I am so absofantabulously excited that she’ll be able to stay with me for 3 whole months this time <3 So many things we could do together…or even doing nothing together would be pretty cool as well – even if we’re doing our own things, having company is comforting on its own. Learnt this since I started living on my own. But I hope Mum will get to spend this time on herself and recharge; she totally deserved this long overdue vacation.

Anyway, we’re also planning to work on a craft project together, like a piece of patchwork, embroidery, tatting lace or something like that. We’ll probably just browse through a craft store and see what sparks us.

Yoga is another thing we’ve been talking about for a while now. Since my new apartment gets a lot of sunlight through the windows during the day, having a relaxing yoga session together while soaking in all that solar energy seems like a good idea. Just as long as we’re wearing a sunscreen….

We also want to go on a trip somewhere…but since I am quite under-travelled in this country, I’m sort of clueless about where to go or what to do. Melbourne sounds like a good idea, but I don’t even really know how many days would be good enough to look around, or even what to look around What’s considered a “good deal” for a two-way ticket? What about accommodation? What’s a decent price for a service apartment? Or is it cheaper to get a package of flight + accommodation? My head is spinning already with all these things…oh lord. Online forums just make you even more confused at times.

So if anybody has any sort of answers to these above questions regarding Melbourne, please help! Any piece of information would be valuable

Also, any suggestions as to a cool crafty project Mum and I could possibly work on together?

Lol…this is why I like blogging…my personal forum…hehe. No seriously, thanks guys, I will love you forever for this

- Asuma xxx

Thanks, Beckie

Now Beckie, I have promised a blog post just for you, so here it is

Birthday present from Beckie, with the sweetest (and the longest) card

Just randomly – I like her new hair

Cards are one of the best parts about birthdays, in my opinion

The No-Brainer Yoga Mat Strap from Lululemon!! I am totally in love with this coral rose pink colour I have never seen this shade in stores before either, so I’m really stoked about this. I have a hot pink portable yoga mat from Lululemon, so I think it will look cute with it (it won’t be too matchy-matchy like a hot pink strap would have been).

Thank you so much, Beckie

 xxx

Asuma.

Weekend & The-Monday-After Photo Log

Here goes…

…wholemeal pasta on cooked spinach, topped with tomato relish…

…apartment hunting; still nothing…

…breakfast on the go – cooked oat bran, chia, lsa, cinnamon, egg whites, milk, vanilla with stevia…

…trying out types of fruit i typically don’t buy…

…refreshing…

…my usual peppermint tea…

…indulging in wholemeal sourdough with fig cinnamon jam….

Some thoughts residing in my head right now:

• These simple iphoneography tips on fat mum slim are easy enough to incorporate into daily snap shots, even for someone like me! Thanks Chantelle, for sharing with us
• I don’t mean to sound like an obnoxious smartpants by correcting other people’s grammar, because I’m sure I certainly make tonnes of them myself, but it bothers me that so many people use the term “awhile” in place of “a while”. In short, “awhile” literally means “for a while“, so when people say “for awhile”, they’re saying “for for a while”. Get it? When you’re not using the word “for”, simply say “a while”, for example, “it will be a while until she gets here”. You get the idea.
• 4.5 good days were followed by a day and a half’s failure. I don’t feel miserable though, and I am not going to call that 1.5 blah day a failure anymore. Looking up and moving on.
• I haven’t been to yoga or pilates for a while (and not “for awhile” ), since I’ve been more into weights lately. Maybe I’ll go back when I feel like it on rest days.

 

Sorry for the incoherent post! Wait, “incoherent”, or “incohesive”? Now I’m getting paranoid about my language

Anyway, tomorrow’s my birthday so I want to be excited!! Hope this blah mood will just go away.

Love you all

Asuma

 

How I Feel About My Fitness Routine

Greetings, people of the internet world

How is your week going? Thank god it’s finally Thursday over here. Thursday = almost weekend, because I only have one practical class tomorrow

So I’m almost done with the first week of this current course at uni. At the moment we’re basically studying about pregnant women’s health, children’s eating habits and diet, etc. and it seems like I am going to be able to enjoy this course a lot more than I thought I would! I love studying about women’s health and nutrition…well, at least over a lot of other topics that I cannot relate to or feel a connection with.

However, uni life is tiring no matter what. I wasn’t being able to have a good quality sleep for a while again these days, but I think my body finally caught up with the cues from my brain that I needed some rest last night, because I just could not keep my eyes open after the clock struck 9pm. Had a good 9-hour sleep, and I’m a lot peachier today. I do feel like I have seen better days in terms of physical wellness and peace of mind though, but I’m not feeling too bad either.

Speaking of physical fitness, I had been leaning toward yoga and pilates as my mode of exercising lately. I felt like that was what my body needed when I made this shift from being more cardio-oriented several weeks ago, and I do believe that the calm and relaxing stretching and core-strengthening were exactly what I needed at that time.

I was quite stressed out emotionally, so they really did help me keep less insane (note – I was actually going pretty damn crazy, but I’m sure it would have been even worse without the tiny morsels of peace that yoga and pilates provided).

Yet again, I begun to feel like it was time for a bit of variation in my fitness routine. Trust me, I’d never get bored of yoga or pilates, but I was still beginning to miss that boost of endorphins that cardio could give me. The idea of getting sweaty, hot and worked up excited me.

So today, I decided to go back to one of my favourite group sessions at the uni gym – Body Attack! The thought of it seemed appealing at first. But after my class ended at 5pm, spent some time at the library and as I walked down toward the gym, I started getting mixed thoughts about it. “You have stayed away from cardio for quite a while, Asuma, what if you get worn out in the middle and have no energy to stay until the end?” “Are you sure this is what you want to do today? Or would you rather just go back home?” “Maybe weights would be a better idea? What about Body Pump?” All these thoughts ran across my mind as I walked down. This happens to me all the time; millions of thoughts shooting around in my head, creating havoc, making me doubt my decisions and often making me change my mind in the end. These thoughts never ceased firing even when I got to the locker room. But today, despite all these distracting voices in my head, I ended up standing in my gym clothes, hair all tied back, in the middle of the group fitness studio, ready for the class. I was kind of proud of myself that I got there in one piece.

This is my blog, and I want to be honest with all of you who kindly read my very cohesive (*not) posts. So I am going to tell you what. I did not stay until the end of the session. No, I did not get short of breath. It wasn’t an abdominal cramp either. But I just felt uncomfortable – yes, get this, I just left the session only after 20 minutes today, simply out of discomfort. I usually don’t leave in the middle of any group fitness classes, but today, I left without much contemplation.

I don’t even know why I did that. Am I getting too easy on myself? Why couldn’t I at least put a little bit more effort? I really don’t know how to answer these questions. I feel like I should regret what I did…but at the same time, I don’t. I don’t want to beat myself up for something I can’t do anything about anymore. What’s done is done.

And what’s more, this isn’t even a crucial issue that I should be debating about with myself right now. At the moment, I don’t have a specific fitness goal, and I don’t plan to have a strict fitness regime like I used to before. I used to believe I needed to have a specific fitness routine that I needed to follow. But with all the emotional turmoil that I’ve been facing, I don’t want to force myself into putting effort into exercising right now. I’m just not in a place to be able to put in my 100% effort into every single aspect of my life right now.

I know, this is me being lazy. And I am not saying this to justify my actions, but honestly, I don’t want exercising to be something to stress out about. I want to exercise because I enjoy it. If a certain type of exercise doesn’t feel good at the moment, maybe I’ll try it again later. But I don’t have to, if I don’t want to right now. I will put more focus into my fitness routine when the time is right. But right now is just not it.

I have been working to learn to be kinder to myself. After talking to my psychiatrist, dietician, counsellor and reading books written by great authors like Geneen Roth and Elizabeth Gilbert, I am trying to redirect my thoughts into what is right for both my mind and my body right now. I am still struggling, but I want to be able to love myself, find myself again.

I am going to regard what happened today as a lesson, and try to feel how I really think about myself. (If that makes any sense…sorry, I could be horrible at trying to explain these stuff!)

Okay well, this post is getting pretty long and wordy now, so I think I’ll stop about here.

Good night folks

- Asuma

Where Am I?

Cutting to the point, I wasn’t being able to feel myself lately.

I know it has a lot to do with the fact that:

(A) We were in an Easter break until Sunday, meaning staying home for the most part of the week.

(B) The more I stayed in, the more I did not want to go out.

(C) The longer I stayed in alone, I slipped into a mild state of depression. But the process is so slow, you don’t notice the pain and the numbness it causes.

(D) All of this finally leads to mindlessness, numbness and low self-esteem.

While I was walking to uni this morning, I realised how little of self-confidence I had in myself right now.

This is definitely not the first time I’ve felt like this, but it’s not a constant state of mind that I have all the time – yes I do believe that in general I have lost a lot of the confidence I used to have in myself a couple of years ago, but it’s not always constantly very low and some days are better than others.

When it is really bad, I literally cannot think of one thing that I like about myself.

Every reflection of myself is negative.

Today, I went to a mid-day yoga session at the uni gym in between classes. I usually do not like going to the gym in the middle of the day, but I always make an exception for a relaxing yoga class, especially if it’s my favourite instructor, N’s session.

Now, yoga is one thing that I feel like I can call my own.

If there is anything I can come back to, and make me feel like my heart is at home, it’s yoga.

Right now, yoga is the only thing that can make me feel better, even though it’s only just a tiny bit.

While we were in Savasana at the end of the practice today, N spoke to us about asking ourselves, “where am I?”.

I tried to feel my body. I tried to feel my heart.

I usually love this aspect of yoga.

But today, it could not have been more painful.

I could not feel my heart nor my body.

Facing myself, just me, alone…I don’t know how to best explain this, but I felt so suffocated, like I was choking myself with my own hands.

When I opened my eyes, my hands and toes were freezing (though that was possibly just because of my very poor circulation, but I usually don’t feel the chill like I did today).

After the practice, N asked me how I was feeling now, and I thanked her and told her I was feeling a little better.

It was true, I did feel better for being able to face the core of my cold emotions (or the lack of).

I wasn’t a happy camper, but acknowledging the position that my heart was in felt like a step toward figuring myself out again.

A baby step, but a progress, nonetheless.

I hope I can come back to myself again. I want to feel again.

Sometimes there will be steps backward.

But I know I have to keep looking forward and make little efforts to positivity and light.

I hope I can tell this to myself more often, and be at peace.