Sometimes You Just Need A Hug

As I have mentioned in my previous post, I was way too stressed out and anxious to fall asleep last night.

I was really overwhelmed, thinking about the list of things I had to do in the morning, and worried that I was not going to be able to do them right, that I’d forget to do something and get into trouble, or that my parents, especially my dad, was going to be in a mad mood in the morning and I was not going to be able to have a calm and constructive conversation with him regarding the application for my visa to India (I’ll explain about this visa thing later in this post).

In my vulnerability, I noticed how these last several days I had been feeling wierdly uncomfortable at home, almost as though I did not belong in there.

I had been on my toes around my family, even though it was not like I had anything to hide from them or to be blamed for.

It felt like I was walking around a mine field. I needed to approach everyone with caution, determine their mood and then speak to them accordingly, as though if I uttered one word wrong, they were going to shun me forever.

Although, now that I come to think about it, maybe it was the very way that I was acting that made me feel that way, and perhaps made my family a bit distant from me too, because usually we are a happy bunch…I think. Or maybe they aren’t intentionally being distant from me, or maybe they don’t even notice it at all.

I just want to feel welcome at home, I want to be able to walk in through the doors after a long tiring day, and be glad to see my mum’s face, and not have to worry about whether she is in a bad mood or not.

I want to be able to talk to her like we used to back when she came to visit me in Sydney again, like best friends. I miss her.

I know it’s not her fault that she has less time for all of that now, since over here, she has a full-time job, after which she comes back home and cooks and does a million other chores (I do try to help her out, but even then, there’s a lot that needs to be done around the house) before she can take a bath and go to sleep. Maybe she can sneak in some time here and there to watch TV, read books or just sit and breathe for a while, but that’s pretty much it.

She really does work hard so much, at home and outside, and I am so so grateful for all that she does for the whole family.

So I understand that she cannot be in the most peaceful and relaxed state of mind all the time. She might give me a cold shoulder and be mad at me for no reason at times, but that’s not her fault. She’s only human, and she’s not perfect. She’s stressed out.

But I digress. I really want to feel like I can stay here at home, as a part of the family, and not feel like they don’t like or trust me.

Right now, honestly, I don’t know what they think of me. I am not trying to be speculative, I definitely don’t want to doubt my family, and neither do I want them to about me.

It’s not that I don’t trust their love, I know they do, but sometimes I wonder if they sort of see me in a different way than they used to before. Sure, people do change, but I still want to be the same old sister/daughter in the family.

Thinking about all this in my head, I realised that all I wanted was just a hug. I needed someone to give me a bear hug, and tell me that it was going to be okay. I knew I was going to be just fine by the time I woke up next morning, but right then, I wanted that hug. And then I fell asleep.

————————————————————————————————-

This is a little out of order, as what I am about to talk about right now actually happened yesterday, before the above emotional turmoil that I went through in my bed. But I still have to explain what I meant by ‘having a calm and constructive conversation with Dad’, so here goes.

I went to the Indian High Commission yesterday for a scheduled interview for the visa that I had applied for online.

However, there was a bit of a problem with the permanent address that I filled it out with, and I was sent back to re-apply for the visa again with the amended address, or pay $60 at an approved international airport in India for an on-arrival visa (which is about $50 more expensive than if I applied from Bangladesh).

So I came back home, but then my dad made a huge fuss about it, like how I should have checked with him before submitting the form, that I should have known not to use that permanent address, that I am not being responsible enough, etc. etc. etc.

Like he ever takes the initiative to do anything unless it’s something that’s got to do with himself, for example, what he could eat for his lunch.

If I had asked him, he would have taken ages to start the application process, and I would have had to nag him a thousand times before I could get him to lift a finger.

Plus, he was aware that I was starting the application process on my own, and he was the one who told me to go ahead with it.

But now that I have fucked up, he’s all like, “you never ask me about anything and just do everything on your own and mess things up”.

You know what, Dad, I am thankful for all that you’ve done for us throughout our lives. But that doesn’t mean that I cannot be pissed off when you’re only all talk.

Of course, I kept these thoughts to myself, because there wouldn’t have been a point in giving him any constructive criticism.

He would have just been overtaken with rage, and we wouldn’t have been able to have a sensible conversation to figure out the best solution to our real issue here, which was the visa application.

So anyway, I re-applied for the visa with the correct permanent address and got everything ready to visit the High Commission again the next day (today) to see if they could do anything about the situation now.

Fast forward the story, I went there this morning with Dad, turns out I have to go back to their office again on another appointed date, but basically there won’t be any problem getting the visa before my departure to Kolkata. So it’s all good…I guess.

It’s kind of funny though, because for me, the best part about today’s visit to the office was not about the visa, but that I managed to speak to Dad without causing any unnecessary eruptions from him. Don’t judge me, I love my dad. It’s just difficult sometimes, that’s all.

Okay, so I guess that’s the end of my roundabout ramblings for the day.

Two Kinds of Families

It sucks to be dependent, because you cannot choose who to live with.

The people that you live with may or may not trust you, not that it’s easy to meet someone outside of your family with whom you will be able to trust each other completely anyway.

You don’t have a choice; you have to live with them, because you cannot support yourself.

And it sucks because you love them and it hurts because they won’t include you as one of them.

They just don’t get you. They don’t know how to make sense of you, and you cannot stop wishing that they would someday.

You will never be enough for them.

And all of this hurt so much, and drive you crazy, because you still love them.

And you want to believe they love you too. You know they do deep down, but sometimes it just seems like they don’t.

You hate it because they make you feel like you’re the worst kind of a human being there could be.

Every snarky comment pierces through you like icicle.

You cannot even tell if they are implying something about you, or just talking about something totally unrelated.

At family dinners, when everyone is sitting around the table, chatting and laughing away, you try to join in but then they ignore you.

When you ask a question and you don’t get a response from them, let alone a nod.

These are days when we realise we have two sorts of families – one which you are born into, and another which you collect and build along the way.

You love them both, though the difference between the two is that one understands you even when you’re being erratic and accepts you for who you are, and the other just can’t.

It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just the way things work around in this world.

The Black Sheep

 

 

 

When my siblings and mum are hanging out together, watching movies, munching, chatting, laughing away and having a chill time, but the moment I walk in, they stop talking and don’t move until I leave the room because I’m just not a part of their “crew”, I feel like this.

 

 

{source}

 

But I’m putting all that aside for now, and I’m going to immerse myself in Tumblr fun so I can numb the dull pain

 

I want to sleep in this dome tonight. Alone.

 

 

Love, me. x

Images 2 and 3, courtesy of Tumblr

Need To Be Back In Control

I haven’t been able to post anything here for quite a while now, thanks to my ever functioning internet connection at home. But I have made some notes meanwhile that may be worth posting about now – better something that nothing, right?

I’d looked forward to coming home. I still think it was the best thing I could do. But to be honest, I was still overwhelmed by all the changes I would have to get accustomed back to. The loss of control of my surroundings, the lack of options. I mean, of course I didn’t want to be a difficult person to live with, but be more understanding of others’ needs, a fun, flexible, open and a compatible, functioning member of the family.

But it was either I do things my way and isolate myself from the rest of my family, or do things their way and be the happy-go-lucky girl on the surface but suffer from the consequences of ignoring my personal needs under the blanket. I wish I could have the best of both worlds, be open to change, laugh, do things spontaneously, and still truly be happy. I hope to get there one day. But I’m just not there yet. I should have known, that my health should have come first. They are my family after all, and they would have understood if I needed to do some things a certain way just for myself. I shouldn’t have forced myself to appear “normal”, because now I’m just back in the same old boat….

This time though, I think I can get out of it before it becomes a routine, a cycle of self-suffocation. I am going to get out of it before it’s too late, even if it means I have to pursue my own choices, with which my parents may not entirely agree. It may involve sitting out of certain gatherings, parties and events…but now after having tried appearing “normal”, I now realise that I am not in a place to be able to be comfortable in those situations yet and so I’m not going to force myself into them anymore, not now. Deep down, I think I’d believed that I could just go back into my old habits and everything could still just be easier, I could still be in control. But I need to keep reminding myself, that I can never be in control of “it”. IT will always take over. Which is why I am not going to let it play peekaboo in my life again. I’ve done it once, I can do it again, get rid of it. Well I guess I never truly did get rid of it after all, since it kept coming back, but there have been better times and I am determined to at least get back to those better times. It doesn’t seem too hard, thankfully, since I have done it before. I am optimistic, and I know I can be better than this.

And on that note, I sort of want to read this book next:

…only if it were possible to get a hand on it in this country.

Thank You

Just wanted to drop in to say that I’ve been dealing with certain health issues these few months, and hence I haven’t been able to update this blog at all recently.

I’m sorry I’ve caused trouble to many people around me too.

But I am recovering, though very slowly.

I really am doing a lot better, even compared to a few weeks ago, so I hope this doesn’t get my friends too worried! As a proof that I am steadily improving, I’m actually being able to post this today

I know my issues are not going to disappear overnight and that I have to continue to do the best that I can, at my own pace.

Despite the utter depression that I went through at one point, I do have one positive outcome of this incident.

This made me realise that I am where I want to be now, and I now know where I want to walk toward.

To be honest, I was somewhat unsure whether I made the right decision to study Medicine.

Until now.

Because now I know that I want this, really bad, no matter how long it takes, no matter how much trouble it causes to anyone.

This might not be the best way to phrase it and it might also come off sounding self-centred.

But honestly, I don’t give a damn. That’s just the way I feel right now, and I know I am going to do this.

I think I am only able to feel this way right now because I have such amazing friends and family who have supported me through all of this, and I’m truly grateful for that.

I know they’re always there for me, and they make me want to be stronger so I cradle their tears with my shoulders when they need me. I want to cry with them, laugh with them and be with them.

Sorry, I didn’t even mean to blabber this much today but I ended up rolling with the flow.

I’ll just end this post for today, by saying a BIG THANK YOU to everyone. Everyone.

- Asuma

Birthday Recap [Bad, I'm Bad]

Singing to the tune of MJ’s bad. Yeah I’m bad. For taking 4 whole days until I actually sat down to do this post.

For those of you who don’t know, 15th was my birthday and I finally turned 20!!! The feeling hasn’t kicked in yet, and I’m probably almost going to say that I’m 19 if someone asks me my age today. Not only am I bad, I’m pretty slow like that….

Anyway, the 15th really was a day I could feel the warmth of people around me in my life. This may come off as me just being a cold person, but to be entirely honest, I never really used to give any significance to facebook birthday wishes from people I barely knew (though of course I thanked them; I do think it is nice of them after all because they could have just ignored the whole idea and not wished me at all). Though I don’t know why but this year, I sort of felt warm from the inside for every acknowledgement I got, whether I received it on a social networking websites or face-to-face from that person. Maybe it’s one of the effects of me becoming “softer” these days – as I’ve written about pretty often in this blog as well, I have been trying to be kinder to both myself and those around me. I have been trying to go back to the core of our being; remembering that nothing else matters if there is no kindness and love. Cheesy, I know. I’m not saying that everything is rosy and peachy perfect in this world, but I am trying out a non-cynical approach, and it has been doing me good so far. The fact that I literally felt “loveful” that day itself is a proof. One of the biggest things I can be thankful for today. So thank you, to all my friends, family, and everyone for acknowledging me and making me feel that way. I wish you all the happiness you deserve!!

Okay, so this post was supposed to be an actual “recap” of the activities of my birthday; sorry I went off the track.

Birthday breakfast…nothing special, the usual oatmeal.

Wore my bracelet that says “mum” in different languages. Love you, Mum!!!

The SGS members at uni surprised me with a present and a birthday card!!!! Thank you so much, Beckie, Shiny, Bronwyn, Austin, Dush, Divya, Cecilia, Daniel, Nithya, Chris and Darran,  you guys are awesome

Pink roses from Cecilia. So sweet of you Cecilia, thank you so much!! Getting inspired to incorporate more flowers into my life.

Leaves are turning red and falling already….

‘Tis the season for sweaters!

Thanks to Austvina for organising such a fitting dinner! “Fitting”, because 20 = legal age you can start drinking in Japan and “izakaya” is like a pub/bar traditional Japanese style

Thanks to all of you, Julz, Kelly, Des, Lachlan and Shaun for coming!!!!

Despite being in an izakaya, I did not order any alcoholic drinks, as usual…just hot water for me

Kara-age (Japanese style fried chicken).

Sashimi.

What I ordered – grilled mackerel with radish.

The extensive bar.

Hi

The Wagyu.

I tried a bit of this dessert. These popcorns on top? The best thing EVER. They were sugar crusted with bits of lavender. AMAZING!!!!

Hello again

The wall art was pretty cool…sad I couldn’t take a better photo of it

Oh, and this dessert too Also, unpictured was Lachlan’s ice cream with Japanese vinegar (whatever that is…maybe rice vinegar?), and that was awesome too

Shaun gave me this cool cookbook that consists of 200 recipes of JUST SALADS!!! Need to make it a project of mine to try out every single one of them Thank you so much for such a thoughtful present, Shaun

And this card was from Shaun as well

And this awesome gift was from Lachlan! Thanks so much!! So thoughtful too – headphones, so I can listen to music and keep my ears warm when I run outside I tried them out and they are super light, comfortable yet fitting and obviously so much of a better sound quality than my old earphones!!!

All in all, it was an amazing day and I’m happy got to spend such a fun time with my friends! Thank you all so much for such a lovely day

Love,

Asuma.

Family Love + Photo Log

Happy Friday to you all

I hope you’re having a great day out there, because I’m actually having an unusually happy day.

I think it’s also got something to do with being in better terms with my sister lately.

I can’t write too much about it here because I don’t want any further misunderstandings within my family…but all I want to say is that I am in pure gratefulness to be able to speak with my sister again.

She really is a special girl and I love her so much despite all the ups and downs, and I know I will always love just the same way, no matter what the future beholds.

There are only a very few things we can say that we know for sure in this world of mistrust, distress and uncertainty.

I am going through a bit of a rough patch with myself right now and things are quite complicated, but I feel lucky enough to be able to say that I will love my family, no matter what happens, wherever we are, and always.

So here’s to appreciating each of our presence in this world.

No matter who you are, you do have a place to be, some place you belong.

There might be times when you will think you’re worthless, that you have no point of existing in this world anymore, but that is not true.

Today, I truly want to celebrate every single one of us, whoever and wherever you are.

I am only a tiny being in one corner of this vast planet and I may have no right to say something so big, and I certainly do not intend on coming across to be self-righteous, but I just wanted to share this feeling of bliss that I am holding right now.

Because there were times when I needed that energy from everybody else.

Because I know I will have those depressing moments in the coming future too.

So I want to share whatever positivity I can hold today, with all of you.

Cheesy, huh? I know. But nothing beats honesty.

Anyway, I thought I’d share some more photos with you today for random entertainment.

Not a special outfit or anything, but I just sort of loved these colours today! They cheered me up I haven’t worn make up in ages, but it kind of inspired me into a bit of grooming this morning. It’s nice to look good just for yourself once in a while, it actually feels really good.

Loving this not-too-edgy-nor-too-round sleeve.

Received my copy of the June issue of Vogue Australia in the mail today. Something to look forward to when I’m cozied up in bed.

This came in the mail too. My T2 membership card and two new teas to try out – Girlie Grey and Morning Red. I remember trying Girlie Grey before and liking it, so I might add it to my “tea wish list” (yeah, I’m that girl who has a list for everything).

Speaking of which, another new-to-me tea, the China Pai Mu Tan white tea leaves that I bought recently from Peter’s of Kensington. I love Chinese tea and this one was on sale! Score Check out my Breakfast at Tiffany’s mug too Love. It.

Lunch today – tahini coleslaw with chick peas over pollo alla cacciatora – both of which are super easy to make and so hearty

Needed an afternoon snack for a boost of energy. Chicken breast rosemary slices with haloumi cheese and tomato relish, wrapped up in tortilla. Always need to restore energy after a good glutes-burning session at the gym

This was yummy. Especially because it was eaten with a Peter Rabbit baby fork

More food to look forward to! A natural peanut butter made from fresh nuts in New Zealand (I guess that qualifies as local?), an all natural chai vanilla latte and a made-in-own-farm fig cinnamon jam. Mmmmm…I can’t wait to try them!

Wish you all a great weekend!

Be happy

- Asuma

Favourite Eats

Some stuff I ate and loved the last several days:

Curried Quinoa with Tomato, Red Capsicum and a Soft-Boiled Egg

 

Scrambled egg with a monster load of veggies!!! A little sprinkle of paprika added just the right amount of heat

 

Smoked Salmon Salad!!! With roasted mushrooms, sweet potato and feta cheese. The wasabi dressing was delish

 

My favourite nigiri sushi ever...Shime-saba (mackerel)!!!!!

 

They all tasted great…and I’m sure a lot of it had to do with the fact that I could share the food with the ones I love this holiday.