03 | May | 2012 | Asuma's Affirmations

Greetings, people of the internet world

How is your week going? Thank god it’s finally Thursday over here. Thursday = almost weekend, because I only have one practical class tomorrow

So I’m almost done with the first week of this current course at uni. At the moment we’re basically studying about pregnant women’s health, children’s eating habits and diet, etc. and it seems like I am going to be able to enjoy this course a lot more than I thought I would! I love studying about women’s health and nutrition…well, at least over a lot of other topics that I cannot relate to or feel a connection with.

However, uni life is tiring no matter what. I wasn’t being able to have a good quality sleep for a while again these days, but I think my body finally caught up with the cues from my brain that I needed some rest last night, because I just could not keep my eyes open after the clock struck 9pm. Had a good 9-hour sleep, and I’m a lot peachier today. I do feel like I have seen better days in terms of physical wellness and peace of mind though, but I’m not feeling too bad either.

Speaking of physical fitness, I had been leaning toward yoga and pilates as my mode of exercising lately. I felt like that was what my body needed when I made this shift from being more cardio-oriented several weeks ago, and I do believe that the calm and relaxing stretching and core-strengthening were exactly what I needed at that time.

I was quite stressed out emotionally, so they really did help me keep less insane (note – I was actually going pretty damn crazy, but I’m sure it would have been even worse without the tiny morsels of peace that yoga and pilates provided).

Yet again, I begun to feel like it was time for a bit of variation in my fitness routine. Trust me, I’d never get bored of yoga or pilates, but I was still beginning to miss that boost of endorphins that cardio could give me. The idea of getting sweaty, hot and worked up excited me.

So today, I decided to go back to one of my favourite group sessions at the uni gym – Body Attack! The thought of it seemed appealing at first. But after my class ended at 5pm, spent some time at the library and as I walked down toward the gym, I started getting mixed thoughts about it. “You have stayed away from cardio for quite a while, Asuma, what if you get worn out in the middle and have no energy to stay until the end?” “Are you sure this is what you want to do today? Or would you rather just go back home?” “Maybe weights would be a better idea? What about Body Pump?” All these thoughts ran across my mind as I walked down. This happens to me all the time; millions of thoughts shooting around in my head, creating havoc, making me doubt my decisions and often making me change my mind in the end. These thoughts never ceased firing even when I got to the locker room. But today, despite all these distracting voices in my head, I ended up standing in my gym clothes, hair all tied back, in the middle of the group fitness studio, ready for the class. I was kind of proud of myself that I got there in one piece.

This is my blog, and I want to be honest with all of you who kindly read my very cohesive (*not) posts. So I am going to tell you what. I did not stay until the end of the session. No, I did not get short of breath. It wasn’t an abdominal cramp either. But I just felt uncomfortable – yes, get this, I just left the session only after 20 minutes today, simply out of discomfort. I usually don’t leave in the middle of any group fitness classes, but today, I left without much contemplation.

I don’t even know why I did that. Am I getting too easy on myself? Why couldn’t I at least put a little bit more effort? I really don’t know how to answer these questions. I feel like I should regret what I did…but at the same time, I don’t. I don’t want to beat myself up for something I can’t do anything about anymore. What’s done is done.

And what’s more, this isn’t even a crucial issue that I should be debating about with myself right now. At the moment, I don’t have a specific fitness goal, and I don’t plan to have a strict fitness regime like I used to before. I used to believe I needed to have a specific fitness routine that I needed to follow. But with all the emotional turmoil that I’ve been facing, I don’t want to force myself into putting effort into exercising right now. I’m just not in a place to be able to put in my 100% effort into every single aspect of my life right now.

I know, this is me being lazy. And I am not saying this to justify my actions, but honestly, I don’t want exercising to be something to stress out about. I want to exercise because I enjoy it. If a certain type of exercise doesn’t feel good at the moment, maybe I’ll try it again later. But I don’t have to, if I don’t want to right now. I will put more focus into my fitness routine when the time is right. But right now is just not it.

I have been working to learn to be kinder to myself. After talking to my psychiatrist, dietician, counsellor and reading books written by great authors like Geneen Roth and Elizabeth Gilbert, I am trying to redirect my thoughts into what is right for both my mind and my body right now. I am still struggling, but I want to be able to love myself, find myself again.

I am going to regard what happened today as a lesson, and try to feel how I really think about myself. (If that makes any sense…sorry, I could be horrible at trying to explain these stuff!)